Remember, Cherish Every Moment

My Dear SR,
   Last Thursday while at work, at around 3 pm I got a call from my Mom.  I thought she was calling about scheduling flights for Thanksgiving as we had been talking about that very subject earlier in the day.  But, instead I heard a very tired sounding Mother telling me that she had been thrown off her horse and was in the ER and that they had discovered she had "a bleed in the brain."  They would be taking her to another hospital where they had a neurosurgery unit and would be putting her in the ICU.  I felt like I swallowed a bowling ball and at the same time like I was floating.  I didn't know what to do.  Should I drive down there right away?  Should I wait and see what the neurosurgeon said?  What the hell was going on?
    I decided to stay at my house that night and then I would pick my Dad up from the airport in the morning and we would drive to the hospital.  That next morning, they did another CT scan on my mom and found that the "subdural hematoma" in her head had grown -- a lot.  The neurosurgeon started to talk to my Mom about what kind of surgery they might have to do (it involved drilling holes into her skull and then draining the blood) but decided to put her on some medications to help her blood clot before deciding on the surgery.  They did another CT scan at noon and it had stopped growing.  No surgery needed yet.  Over the next few days, she got better and the hematoma stopped growing and even started to shrink.  She finally got out of the ICU and was allowed to go home Monday night.

    I have never been so scared in my life.  If her friend hadn't called an ambulance or if the blood clotters didn't work....my Mom might have needed serious surgery or, even worse, she could have been gone forever.  Seeing her in that hospital bed, with all the IVs and machines hooked up to her and how tired and helpless she was, I thought I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying.  I wanted to run up and hug her but I couldn't because she was too fragile.  I kept myself together all the time I was at the hospital, but once I got home I couldn't contain it.  I cried myself to sleep for three nights in a row.
    And between all those moments when I was begging God not to take her away from me, I was wishing with all my being that you here.  I wanted your comforting arms around me so I would really feel that everything might be OK.  I needed your strength.  I've never had to go through anything like this before, but going through it alone was almost unbearable.
    I think I got a little taste of what life with you in the Navy will be like.  It's one thing when you're gone on a day to day basis -- I miss you but I can deal with that pretty easily once I get into a routine.  But dealing with something like this without you here, was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  That doesn't mean that I don't want to live the Navy life alongside you, but it was a bit of a reality check.
    Now, thank God, Mom is safe at home and is doing much better.  But, even though she's OK now, I hope I never forget how scared I was and how much I regretted every bratty thing I ever said or did to her.  I hope that I will be able to always recall how close I was to losing someone I deeply love and that every moment could really, seriously be the last I get to be with them.  And that, I hope, will make me a better person who never takes anyone, including you, for granted.
    With all my love,
                    Your Girl

Fears & Hopes

To my dear SR,
     I decided I wanted to write down the things about your being in the Navy that scare me and that make me excited.  First off, I want to be clear that no matter what my fears are, I am behind you 100% and I will support you.  However, I am only human and a woman and there are so many unknowns that creep into my thoughts, that I wanted to write them down if only to make it more clear to myself.

My Fears

• You will change into someone I don't know and don't understand
• We will change into a couple that is distant and uncommunicative
• Being in the Navy will take up so much of your time that I will never get quality time with you
• Losing quality time and communication with you will cause me to be uncontrollably clingy and drive you away
• You will realize how many strong, amazing, smart, and beautiful women (Sailors and otherwise) you are surrounded by every day and realize how weak I am in comparison
• You will rather travel than be with me
• I'll lose you completely

My Hopes

• You will change into someone who is more capable of communication and letting himself feel deeper emotions
• We will change into a couple that is distant in space only and that communicates better than we ever did before
• Being in the Navy will take up a lot of your time, but we both will learn to make the most of the time we have and will treasure it all the more
• I will be able to stay strong and support you every step of the way while being able to be independent
• You will realize how many strong, amazing, smart, and beautiful women you are surrounded by every day but you will still think I'm the one for you and you will still choose me
• You will love traveling but will always wish I could be there with you if I can't and will enjoy the time at home with me when we have it
• We will fall deeper in love through the trials and the tribulations and maybe even I will end up being your "Navy wife" instead of your "Navy girlfriend"

   It helps to me make this lists because I can organize my thought and I can see how they relate to each other.  Some of these things I can control and others I cannot.  No matter what, I am so excited to see where these next few months or years take us, take me, take you.  You are an a amazing man already, and I can only hope that somehow this experience will make us both better people and a better couple.  I still miss you, my SR, as I do every day and every night.   

         I love you,

                Your Girl

Image from: http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/hope.htm

"Hope and fear are inseparable.  There is no hope without fear, nor any fear without hope." ~Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Surprise Letters & A Wedding

My Dear SR,
     Yesterday, I got a letter from you! I check my mailbox every day, even though I know I usually only get letters on Thursday.  But, yesterday it paid off!  It was perfect timing too as I was in sort of a bad mood.  It was the longest letter you've written me since the first one, which was a compilation of letters from 3 days.  It was also the sweetest one you've written yet.  I know you have a hard time expressing and sometimes even feeling emotions, so having just a few sentences saying that you miss me and you know you're lucky to be dating me, is the equivalent of a gushier email from a man who is a little bit more open with that sort of thing.  It really made my day.  I teared up and hugged the letter and then headed off to J.W. & J.L.'s wedding! (Side note for any readers: J.W. is my SR's roommate and J.L. is his girlfriend, now wife.  We've known them for about 4 years.  They are civilians in case you were wondering.)
      The wedding was great.  The ceremony was really lovely (although the location was right next to a fairly busy street so I couldn't hear the reverend at ALL).  J.L. of course was crying, as most brides tend to do, but even J.W.'s voice broke during his vows which really got to me.  When grooms cry, I'm just toast, there ain't no stopping me.  The reception was great -- very traditional type with dinner and hors d'oeuvres...and an open bar which was a bit dangerous.  Then there was dancing and you will never believe it, I got Data to dance! (Side Note again: Data is the nickname for another one of my SR's ex-roommates.  If you have ever seen Star Trek: The Next Generation, you know who Data is.  This roommate is the real life embodiment of that character....no hyperbole either...seriously.) J.L. and I both danced with him during some club sounding song...and I don't think I've ever seen his face that red.  Then, I got him to dance with me to one of the slow songs and even showed him how to lead into a spin.  I then said he had no excuse to not dance with the other women and tried the rest of the night to get to him dance with someone.  No luck there....but both J.W. and J.L. were impressed that I got him to dance at all!
        I really wish you had been there -- it was a lot of fun, but would have been so so much better with you there too.  Everyone asked about you and how you were liking bootcamp.  I told them what you told me, "It's kind of like getting a tattoo.  Not all that fun, kind of painful, but not unbearable."
        Well, I'm going to go do some P90X now and then if these damn clouds would go away, I plan to go read outside and try and achieve some sort of tan so when I come visit you in A-School, I won't look like an alien.  As always, I miss you like crazy.  I hope I get some more surprise letters this week!
         I love you,
                Your Girl

Missing You Even More Than Usual

My Dear SR,
    I'm missing you a whole lot right now.   I always miss you, but most of the time it's a dull ache and just every once in awhile the thought will pass through my head...."God, I wish he were here."  But, I'm sitting here on my couch with M. Dog, watching a movie that I know you would love and I wish with every fiber in my being that you were here too.  It's called Rounders and it has Matt Damon as the goody two-shoes (at least so far) and Ed Norton as the weasel who is going to corrupt him.  Loving it....and wishing you were here to share it with me.
    I got a letter from you yesterday and, of course, immediately wrote you back.  I try not to write too often because I know that you might start to feel smothered and that's the last thing I would want to make you feel. The day I get your letter is my favorite day of the week!  I leave work 5 minutes early just so I can read your letter that much sooner.  I carry around my phone everywhere like some kind of smartphone/crack addict...but really the only reason I can't leave it on my desk at work for 2 minutes is because I know you might call at any second.  And even though we only get to talk for 5 minutes or so, it's the greatest 5 minutes of my day because I get to hear your voice.

     I don't write these things in my letters to you because I don't want you to worry about me.  I'm OK.  I know you are doing something that will lead you to a career that you will love, and I can't express how proud I am of you.  Every person I talk to, I want to tell them I'm a proud Navy girlfriend and my boyfriend will soon be a Sailor in the greatest Navy in the world.   I am so proud of you and I can't wait to hear that you've made that call to your Mother and that you are really, truly a Sailor.
     I love you so much and I am so so proud of you.
             
Love,
      Your Girl

Hello, World!

Dear Potential Blog Readers (if there are any of you out there),
     My first letter is to you so that I can briefly introduce myself and explain my idea behind this blog.  I am blogging anonymously (hopefully), not because I plan on writing horrible things about people I am close to, but rather because the feelings I will express here are not always feelings I feel can express to others, even if they are good feelings.  I sometimes have trouble expressing myself and this is a way for me to start forcing myself to do that as well as to be introspective about what I really am feeling.
      So, for most information about me, I'd refer to the "About Me" thing over on the right.  A few basics:  I am in my mid (well slightly past mid...but shhh) 20's.  I live with my amazing dog (a corgi), who I'll just refer to as M. Dog.  I have a career in the IT field and am a pretty independent person.  I grew up an only child and was a spoiled brat for a long long time but eventually grew out of that.  I think being an only child actually helped me to establish independence as an adult and gives me the ability to be alone without freaking out....most of the time, anyways.
      My boyfriend of 4 years (kind of off and on but mostly on) just recently joined the United States Navy.  He is currently at bootcamp...so, yes, I know he is not actually a Sailor yet.  He won't have that title/rank for another few weeks.  I hope this doesn't offend anyone who is a Sailor or who is the girlfriend/spouse/mother/father/etc. of a Sailor.  I simply am kind of lazy and didn't want to have to go back and change the title in a matter of weeks.  However, until he actually achieves the title of Sailor, I will refer to him as my Seaman Recruit or SR.
       I think his joining the Navy is what led me to decide to blog.  He was the one I talked to about everything and now I can only talk to him in letters.  That's also why I decided to write my blog in the format of letters.  I have a good friend base around me, but I can only talk to them about this kind of stuff so much before they get really, seriously bored of it....it's already started to happen.
       Don't worry, this blog will not be gloom and doom and angry words.  In fact, I hope most of it will be happy, uplifting, and introspective.  It will detail through "letters" to my SR, to my family, my friends, and myself the journey I'll be taking throughout the next year.....with the Navy, with my SR, and with my life.
       I have no clue where I'm headed this year or what is in store, but I'm looking forward to finding out and sharing it...even if I'm only sharing it with myself a few years down the road.  :-)
        With Love,
                A. Sailor's Girl

P.S. Yes, the A is my first initial...if you were wondering.

P.P.S.  If you happen to be a Navy girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter/etc.  I would simply love any advice, input, reprimands, whatever!  I am such a Noob to this whole Navy thing and I am trying to learn all I can.